My Good Life: May 2009

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Overheard

This is a transcript of a meeting that purportedly came from the office of Mr. Bud Selig. I have not been able to verify any of it, nor do I know who else was present.

Okay, boys. The Montreal Expos. Poor attendance. What can we do about them?

Yeah, I know they were the first expansion team in Canada. But they haven’t won anything. And should they get hot again, like they were in 1994, we can’t afford another strike to crush them. It wouldn’t be good for the major market teams.

Besides, they’ve already done their part. The produced Carter, Raines and Dawson. It’s time to shut them down.

(unintelligible)

What? We can’t just yank their franchise? Why not? I’m commissioner.

Okay, let’s play monopoly. No, not the Parker Bros. game. Real stuff. Let’s buy them. Get Loria on the phone. Have him move their management to Florida. Leave the team in Montreal. That’ll teach ‘em.

(phone rings)

Oh, crud. The Twins are on the other line. Seems that they have to play at the Humpdome. We like symmetry, and that will leave us with an odd number of teams.

We’ve got to keep them around for a while. What to do? What to do?

Let’s put the team in a better park. Hmm… Where to put them? What about Puerto Rico? I know a lot of their fans will visit them there. Not. Even if they don’t get more attendance, the ballpark down there is smaller and it will look like there are more fans because there are less seats. And San Juan is warm all year. In Montreal the fans come to the Parc Jarry in parkas in July.

(unintelligible)

What? They moved out of Parc Jarry? When? After the Olympics? What Olympics? Why doesn’t anyone let me in on these things? Crud.

Any chance we can sneak a grinder into Cooperstown? That @#$%& Carter was inducted wearing an Expos cap. Spraypaint? Hey, call that punkrockpainter guy. Maybe he can create new postcards with any other logo. We must erase the memory of the Expos from the collective minds and history books of baseball.

Cattle. That’s all the fans are. Cattle. Next thing you know, they’ll be wanting some sort of assurance that the baseball card companies will verify any game used material that they put on cards. Distance ourselves from that one, too.